Attack of the Lustful Cockmonsters

Neo-Prodigy: I’m always amazed at how non social justice allies are the ones who usually get shit done.

Sparky: Because in too many SJ circles, the appearance of being an ally – and the assorted cookies connected, are more important while someone pissed off and outraged by bigoted injustice is going to address that – and not care if they’re an “ally.”

Now typically when we critique arts and entertainment, we rarely (if ever) discuss sports (pro wrestling not withstanding). But since American football is a favorite pastime in these Disunited States and the issue of equality is at the forefront, well, here’s why we post.

Take a good long look at these two men here, Brendon Ayanbadejo and Chris Kluwe:

These two gorgeous gents are the perfect examples of what REAL ALLIES look like.

Here’s why.

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Courtesy of Dead Spin:

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.

SEE ALSO: Here’s Chris Kluwe Explaining Why He Wrote Today’s Response To An Anti-Gay Marriage Politician

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Real allies. Ayanbadejo stood up for equal rights for a marginalized group he’s not affiliated with and as a result had his job, his livelihood threatened. Kluwe had every incentive in the world to remain silent and not speak up for gay rights or defend Ayanbadejo and yet he stood tall regardless and swung the Kluwe-Bat and made no apologies. Also risking his job and his livelihood.

That’s how REAL MEN are supposed to operate. That’s how REAL MEN get down. You stand up for what’s right, no matter the consequence, especially when you have every incentive not to do so.

Unfortunately too many “allies” talk a good game on the interwebz and spew a bunch of empty platitudes but the second standing for equal rights becomes an inconvenience, the proverbial true colors are shown.

To quote my internet wife RVCBard, “if u have to say it, then you ain’t ’bout it.”

So if your mentality as an ally is anything less than ride or die, take the bench and stop wasting our time.

And speaking of other allies who are doing it right, mad props to Scott Fujita who has also been campaigning for marriage equality as well:

I have no idea how that last shirtless pic got included in this post. I’m as shocked as you are. This is my shocked face. Can’t you tell?

3 thoughts on “Attack of the Lustful Cockmonsters

  1. Pingback: Attack of the Lustful Cockmonsters 2: Revenge of the Breeders | Dennis R. Upkins

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